“You are a wonderful son, and a wonderful man.Yet another parent busting forth with the “man” thing! I’d have to check my chest for signs of hair when I got home.”

“It's amazing--my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launching mortar back at me, and Jeffery was charging down the driveway with a grenade in his teeth, my parents would say we should stop having this public "discussion".”

“She pushed the car. But I was so distracted that i forgot to push the button on the timer, so we had to do the whole thing again. Which Lindsey found hilarious. "Ok" she said. "Are you ready NOW, or do we have to send you back to Button Pushing one-oh-one?" "Um, what's Button Pushing One-oh-one?" I was wearing a button down shirt that day. Lindsey reached out and poked one of the buttons into my chest. "There, that's how you push a button. Any questions?”

“I seriously think I could have sat in the middle of the kitchen floor rubbing two sticks together over a pile of dynamite blocks and gasoline cans, and my parents would be oblivious, as long as I was keeping myself occupied.”

“Oh, good lord, Jeff. Don't go getting all emotional on me. I've been getting it from my mom, my dad, my sister, the freaking MAILMAN--I don't need it from you, too. All I ask is that you promise me one thing.''What?''Just water the plants while I'm gone, all right?''You don't have plants, Tad.''I know. I just always wanted to say that.”

“You look like a handsome young man…although you might want to zip your fly.Mom!What? Should I have not told you and left it for everyone else to notice at the dance?”

“Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I'm a cancer survivor.Person #1: And how's that working out for you?Me: Well, you see, I, uh, used to have leukemia.Person #2: Dude, how come you're not, like, BALD?Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I had acute lymphocytic lymphoma when I was five.Person #3: Whoa. THAT must'a sucked. I once had my tonsils out...”