“You can be our critic. Would you dig that? (Yes, he was the last Man in America who could say “dig” with a straight face without referring to the process of using a tool to remove dirt from the ground.)”

“Chicks dig a dude who’s sporting the latest eggplant turtleneck styles.”

“This was the kid who used to toddle over to my bed at 6 o’ clock in the morning every weekend morning to pull on my blankets so I’d get up and watch cartoons with him. This was the kid who once made me play Hungry Hungry Hippos for an hour straight, until I thought my hands were going to fall off from slamming down those dumb little levers to make the hippos’ heads move. This was the kid who had spent an entire days at a time begging me to play Chutes and Ladders with him. And now he was feeling too sick to play with me.”

“Steven, I look like a raccoon.You do NOT look like a raccoon.Actually, he looked like some deranged anteater, but I didn’t figure that would be the thing to tell him.Yes, I do. Oh, no. What if I stay this way forever?You’re not going to stay that way forever, Jeffy. People get black eyes all the time. If they never got better, the streets would be crowded with raccoon people. Soon the raccoon people would find each other and breed.I was on a roll here.The preschools would fill up with strange ring-eyed children. Soon the raccoons would be taking over our streets, stealing from our garbage cans, leaving eerie tails of Dinty Moore beef stew cams in their wakes. Gangs of them would haunt the malls, buying up all the black-and-gray-striped sportswear. THE RIVERS WOULD RISE! THE VALLEYS WOULD RUN WITH…Steven you’re joking, right?”

“(Yes teenage boys who are fine always cry on their mothers’ shoulders until they leave a snot trail.)”

“The only time I can ever remember Steven crying over any of it was after my treatment, when I tried to use my foot on his bass drum pedal, and we realized I could never play a drum set.”

“Tattitude: Wow, Jeff, who's the babe?Dangerous_pie: Your mom.Tattitude: No, the one three feet away from you.Dangerous_pie: Oh, that's Lindsey Abraham. I had her flown in from California for my personal amusement. You can look at her if you want, though.Tattitude: Sweet. But have you talked to her yet?Dangerous_pie: Uh-huh. We're really close.Tattitude: Intro me?Dangerous_pie: After class.Tattitude: Duh.Just then, I noticed that a large shadow had fallen over my screen. I couldn't even bear to look up as Mr. Laurenzano said, "Thaddeus Ibsen, Lindsey Abraham. Lindsey, Thaddeus. There, you've been introduced. NOW can I teach some science?"Wow, it looked like this was going to be my year for unusual teachers.”