“He's not going around telling everyone you're monkey-butt crazy, so at least you brutalized a seriously sweet guy.”

“Also, it'd be kinda hard to be together if I was in prison.""What are you talking about?" Helen asked, suddenly alarmed. "Why would you go to prison?""For killing the guy that took your virginity," he replied. "You I would forgive. But the guy? Dead man.”

“So, what can't you take? Decide which of the two options is harder, and do the other. That way, no matter how hard your choice turns out to be, at least you can find comfort in knowing you're avoiding something even worse.”

“You certainly do heal fast. But you'll still have some impressive bruises, so if I were you I'd avoid your father for the rest of the night." "I'll just tell him you abuse me," Helen said with a shrug. She jumped off the examining table. "And I'll tell him you like it," he teased back.”

“She decided that if Lucas was gay then she was going to have to get a sex change operation. He would be so worth it.”

“I only have so much willpower, Helen," he whispered. "And since you apparently sleep in the most ridiculously transparent tank top I've ever seen, I'm going to have to ask you to get under the covers before I do something stupid.”

“Do you have any idea how late it is? Go to sleep," she scolded as she hurried past him. "I know, I'm going to bed right now ... Hey! YOU go to sleep," Jerry scolded back, belatedly remembering that he was the parent.”