“I gave a helpless laugh. “Damned if I know. I think…we seem to have reached impasse.I feel betrayed by your friendship with Verlane. I realize that’s not logical. I realize that if I’d made the mistakes Verlane has made, I’d want my friends to stand by me, hope that someone would help me when the time came. I just…”“What?”I met his eyes. “I just need to come first for someone, Guy.”

“She went on, “Yes, Porter and I did discuss divorce, and we realized we loved each other too much to do anything so silly.”“That’s got to be a comfort to you now,” I said. “I can imagine how painful it would be to have someone you care for die with a lot of unresolved --”“Yes!” she exclaimed. “That is exactly right!” She gave me an approving lashless gaze.“See, gay guys always understand these things!”“We’re born with that understanding gene,” I said.”

“We ate in the dining room alcove looking over the hillside and the silent dark rooftops of my neighbors. The lights of the valley glittered below.We were both tired but we smiled at each other, and I felt a kind of happiness growing inside me. It was good to look across the table and see someone, and I thought maybe it was time to start thinking about that again—about finding someone. Sharing my life maybe.Or maybe just getting more friends around. Except when I pictured the friends I wanted around, they all looked like Dan, and when I thought about trying to find someone to share my life with, he too looked a little too much like Dan for comfort.”

“He was right. I knew the score. He’d never pretended it was other than it was--whatever the hell that was. I’d never kidded myself there was any chance for us. Well, not often anyway.I guess my mistake had been in believing he was too smart and too honest not to eventually realize…Not his feelings for me--because I didn’t think what he felt for me was that significant--but his own true nature. How could he deny what he was? How could he choose to live such a profound and cancerous deception?”

“Natalie said, “That detective in charge of the case: is he your Jake?”My mouth dried. The words felt arid and dusty as I forced them out. “Who told you his name?” Like I had to ask.“Lisa pointed him out on television the other night, and I recognized him as one of the cops who was in here the other day.”I opened my mouth, and then shut it. Jake had to know he was fighting a rearguard action. And I was through lying to my own friends and family. “Yeah,” I said. “We used to be friends. A long time ago. He’s married now.”“Bastard,” she said.I shook my head. “Not really. He never lied to me. I just didn’t ask the questions I didn’t want to know the answers to.”

“He never lied to me. I just didn't ask the questions I didn't want to know the answers to.”

“I love you," Jake whispered. "Are you strong enough for this?"I made myself comfortable. Said over my shoulder, "Sure.""Would you tell me if you weren't?"I grinned. "Maybe. I can't think of a nicer way to commit suicide.""That's good. I can't think of a more pleasant way to commit murder.”