“I’m never wrong? Who besides Republican presidents and evil masterminds can say that with a straight face?”

“A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting for a Republican or Democrat, so are you.
”

“[Bill] Clinton was a pretty good president for a Republican.”

“We owe Clint Eastwood a debt of thanks. Not only because it was truly a hilarious twelve minutes of improvised "awesome" in a week of scripted "blah". But because it advanced our understanding. This president has issues, and there are very legitimate debates about his policies and actions, and successes and or failures as president - I mean, tune in next week. But I could never wrap my head around why the world, and the president republicans describe, bears so little resemblance to the world and the president that I experience. And now I know why :There is a president Obama that only republicans can see”

“You can get away with saying much more with humor than you can with a straight face”

“Where did you get that dress?I stole it from a homeless person," I say straight-faced. "She was lying right beside the stripper that gave you yours.”