“Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials....I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months”

“Trashy Women should probably exclusively date Garbage Men”

“I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear”

“Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce....?”

“Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are”

“If the second date seems to be going well, it's pretty much a given that by dessert I'll renounce my faith”

“Ever feel like dialing 911 is just simply not enough, and you really need to speak to someone on the Supreme Court...?”