“I hate carrying a torch, which is weird because otherwise I'm such a pyromaniac”

“I hate cutting my wrists while shaving”

“I'm not saying I'm an Alcoholic, but I do have prescription shot glasses”

“I'm playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers, that's why I always lose”

“If you love somebody set them free- it also works equally well if you hate somebody”

“I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting... but I'm still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonet”

“I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear”