“I married Miss Right, but didn't know at the time she had shortened her name from Righteouspainintheass”

“I wanted to marry the first girl that I fell in love with, but there were religious differences. I was an agnostic and she was a Polycarbonate”

“My Anorexic Ex was so skinny she didn't give head, she gave skull”

“I wish I had flaps of extra skin connecting my arms & legs like a Flying Squirrel & then spend my days at the park jumping from tree to tree”

“The line forms on the right, but I prefer the chaos on the left”

“To acknowledge the absurdly surreal is the clarity to embrace life as it is, not as we desire it- what you do with this information, hell if I know”

“When she says 'I've never done this before" she just means with you”