“I wanted to marry the first girl that I fell in love with, but there were religious differences. I was an agnostic and she was a Polycarbonate”

“I married Miss Right, but didn't know at the time she had shortened her name from Righteouspainintheass”

“As for Chicks with Daddy Issues: Do I really want to be with a Woman who wants to be my Father?”

“Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials....I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months”

“I always fall butter side down”

“I wish I had flaps of extra skin connecting my arms & legs like a Flying Squirrel & then spend my days at the park jumping from tree to tree”

“The primary difference between sex and death is, with death there is no dress code”