“if you're not part of the problem, you're not ambitious enough”

“You'll never know what psychopathic heights you're capable of, just lying there on the sofa”

“the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner”

“Ever feel like dialing 911 is just simply not enough, and you really need to speak to someone on the Supreme Court...?”

“Who enjoys life more? Well to start with, definitely the Living”

“My Anorexic Ex was so skinny she didn't give head, she gave skull”

“I'm not saying I'm an Alcoholic, but I do have prescription shot glasses”