“I'm not saying I'm an Alcoholic, but I do have prescription shot glasses”

“I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting... but I'm still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonet”

“I hate carrying a torch, which is weird because otherwise I'm such a pyromaniac”

“I'm playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers, that's why I always lose”

“the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner”

“My recipe for success: Have someone else do it”

“If America runs on Dunkin', do I detect a slight limp?”