“the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner”
“Friends might lose touch but never lose feelings”
“I hate cutting my wrists while shaving”
“I'm not saying I'm an Alcoholic, but I do have prescription shot glasses”
“I always fall butter side down”
“I hate carrying a torch, which is weird because otherwise I'm such a pyromaniac”