“Most of us need something not to walk away from”

“Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angle”

“Ever feel like dialing 911 is just simply not enough, and you really need to speak to someone on the Supreme Court...?”

“YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER, BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM DRINK FROM THE TOILET"
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“I married Miss Right, but didn't know at the time she had shortened her name from Righteouspainintheass”

“I wish I had flaps of extra skin connecting my arms & legs like a Flying Squirrel & then spend my days at the park jumping from tree to tree”

“Who enjoys life more? Well to start with, definitely the Living”