“My recipe for success: Have someone else do it”

“When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time”

“I'm not saying I'm an Alcoholic, but I do have prescription shot glasses”

“As for Chicks with Daddy Issues: Do I really want to be with a Woman who wants to be my Father?”

“I'm playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers, that's why I always lose”

“Ever feel like dialing 911 is just simply not enough, and you really need to speak to someone on the Supreme Court...?”

“Never send a Man in to do a Donkey's job”