“the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner”

“The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1”

“I'm playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers, that's why I always lose”

“I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting... but I'm still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonet”

“if you're not part of the problem, you're not ambitious enough”

“YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER, BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM DRINK FROM THE TOILET"
”

“When she says 'I've never done this before" she just means with you”