“The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1”

“the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner”

“When she says 'I've never done this before" she just means with you”

“I've always been a poor sport and a sore loser...any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance”

“Ever feel like dialing 911 is just simply not enough, and you really need to speak to someone on the Supreme Court...?”

“There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: the truly creative and the truly medicated”

“Who enjoys life more? Well to start with, definitely the Living”