“There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: the truly creative and the truly medicated”

“As for Chicks with Daddy Issues: Do I really want to be with a Woman who wants to be my Father?”

“I like two beautiful women on my arm- as human shields"
”

“When it comes to relationships, I find it best to have two feet out the door”

“Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast”

“Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials....I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months”

“Ever feel like dialing 911 is just simply not enough, and you really need to speak to someone on the Supreme Court...?”