“When she says 'I've never done this before" she just means with you”

“My Anorexic Ex was so skinny she didn't give head, she gave skull”

“Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are”

“If she can do the splits, the 5 second rule does not apply”

“You'll never know what psychopathic heights you're capable of, just lying there on the sofa”

“I married Miss Right, but didn't know at the time she had shortened her name from Righteouspainintheass”

“I wanted to marry the first girl that I fell in love with, but there were religious differences. I was an agnostic and she was a Polycarbonate”