“I hardly think it wise to put the idea of flying into the heads of impressionable teenagers who are already battling the challenges of lunacy.”

“I did it." Who leaves a message like that? Who is so paranoid that they have to be so cryptic? If this wasn't day one of my Summer of Nothing, I might be in a hurry to figure this out. but first: breakfast.”

“Raisins again. I like raisins, but I have a habit of losing one or two on the floor every time I eat them. I always find them later and think they are: a) a mouse turd or b) a cockroach. Then I figure out it's a raisin and sigh with relief. This pretty much happens every time I find a lost raisin.”

“I'm probably the only person on earth who had to be committed to a mental hospital to find a date.”

“I know a flute player is technically called a "flautist," but something about it sounds a little sketchy, as does "pianist," so I will refrain.”

“When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!”

“What if I have bad breath?' I asked.'Chew on some gum,' she said.'What if I can't find his tongue?''Back off on your tongue until you can feel his.''What if he throws up in my mouth?''Um, that would just be gross.”