“I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party.”

“See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.”

“When I die, I die. I could give a shit, ’cause it ain’t my problem. I’d just rather not shit my pants on the way there,”

“On my seventh birthday party:No, you can't have a bouncy house at your birthday party...What do you mean, why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a god-damned bouncy house in our backyard?...Yeah, that's right, that's the kind of shit I think about , that you just think magically appears.”

“The dog is not bored. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik's Cube. He's a goddamned dog.”

“I don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it.”

“I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit.”