“If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.”

“On Lego's"Listen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks a pile of shit.”

“It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.”

“When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.”

“No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..”

“You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.”

“I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.”