“No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..”

“People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear.”

“If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.”

“There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind.”

“Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.”

“Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.”

“You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.”