“Nobody likes practice, but whats worse: practicing or sucking at something?...Oh give me a fucking break, practicing is NOT worse than sucking.”

“The dog is not bored. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik's Cube. He's a goddamned dog.”

“There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind.”

“Eventually my dad got home from work and set his briefcase down.'So. How was practice?' he asked'It was good. Why? Did you hear it wasn't?' I said, trying to keep my cool.'Son, no offense, but you play Little League. It's not the Yankees. I don't get daily reports about who's hitting the shit out of the ball”

“Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”

“Out of your league?! What fucking league are you talking about?! You are a man, she is a fucking woman! That is all that matters, goddamn it!”

“On Asking to Have the Candy Passed to Me During Schindler’s List “What do you want — the candy? They’re throwing people in the fucking gas chamber, and you want a Skittles?”