“On Telemarketer Phone Calls“Hello?…Fuck you.”

“If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup”

“... human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.”

“Out of your league?! What fucking league are you talking about?! You are a man, she is a fucking woman! That is all that matters, goddamn it!”

“On Accidentally Eating Dog Treats“Snausages? I’ve been eating dog treats? Why the fuck would you put them on the counter where the rest of the food is? Fuck it, they’re delicious. I will not be shamed by this.”

“Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.”

“On Friendship“You got good friends. I like them. I don’t think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one.”