“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.”

“You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.”

“Out of your league?! What fucking league are you talking about?! You are a man, she is a fucking woman! That is all that matters, goddamn it!”

“Joey looked confused and horrified, like a stripper bursting out of a cake only to realize she’s been accidentally delivered to a baby shower.”

“The dog is not bored. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik's Cube. He's a goddamned dog.”

“See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.”

“My mind was quickly consumed with thoughts of my girlfriend and all the good times we had had, like one of those cheesy montages ni eighties movies, when the angsty protagonist envisions himself and his ex holding hands on the beach, feeding a small puppy, getting into some kind of zany wrestling match with whipped cream. I interrupted my cliché memories by saying aloud: "Ugh, I'm feeling pretty low about this whole thing.""You just gotta try to put it out of your head," he said, folding the paper halfway down to look at me."I know, it's just hard. I mean, I still have stuff at her place. What am I going to do about that? I still have a TV...," I said."Fuck the TV. Leave the TV. Cut your ties.""It's a fifteen-hundred-dollar TV," I insisted."Go get that fucking TV.”