“Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.”

“You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it's pretty clear you're about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing.”

“On my seventh birthday party:No, you can't have a bouncy house at your birthday party...What do you mean, why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a god-damned bouncy house in our backyard?...Yeah, that's right, that's the kind of shit I think about , that you just think magically appears.”

“Eventually my dad got home from work and set his briefcase down.'So. How was practice?' he asked'It was good. Why? Did you hear it wasn't?' I said, trying to keep my cool.'Son, no offense, but you play Little League. It's not the Yankees. I don't get daily reports about who's hitting the shit out of the ball”

“On Friendship“You got good friends. I like them. I don’t think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one.”

“Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.”

“You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.”