“Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.”

“That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.”

“When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of.”

“People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear.”

“On Friendship“You got good friends. I like them. I don’t think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one.”

“My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys.”

“On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts “It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing…. Well, I’ll just say it’s never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you.”