“My father is a liar and so am I.But I’m going to stop. I have to stop.I will tell you my story and I will tell it straight. No lies, no omissions.That’s my promise.This time I truly mean it.”

“What I am telling you, before you begin my story, is this -- two things: I crave truth. And I lie. ”

“I tell him all that I can without telling him the truth. That my heart is broken, that I can't figure out where my father fits in my story anymore, that I am afraid I will never see him again, and that I am so very tired of loving men I cannot trust.”

“I tell these stories because I have lied about my life to people who have been kind to me and I am tired of lying. I tell it because I don't want people to think that I have fucked up my life over and over just because I was in a bad mood.”

“I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.”

“I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them”