“you gotta think it’s a waste of—” “Ray!” I glanced around, but there was nobody within earshot. “Well, excuse me if I’m not used to buying condoms for aliens,” he said more softly. “They’re not aliens.” “Well, they’re not human. I mean, they could have anything under those tunics, you know?”

“They’ll have to eat first. And by the time they’re finished, you’ll be back.” “With the condoms.” “Right.” “For the giant orgy you’re convinced we’re about to have in the backyard.” “Dory! Just go!” “I’ll go with,” Ray said, getting up. “I need a snack.” Which was how I ended up condom shopping with a vampire.”

“Start ringing things up then. This won't take long.""Which ones?""I don't care." I push some at her. "These.""These?" She looked dubious."Why not these?"She glanced at Ray. "'Cause if that's your man, I'd say you can leave these off.""Oh, no, you didn't." Ray said."What's this shit?" Ray demanded, looking at the saleclerk."Honey, truth hurts, but ain't no way you're a Magnum.""Well, I ain't no medium!"The clerk smiled. "Yeah, but I was being generous.""What are you doing?" The clerk demanded as Ray grabbed another box. "I ain't rung those up yet."Ray pulled out a foil package and tossed the box back on the counter. "So ring it up."She arched an eyebrow, but didn't bother, maybe because she was watching him unbutton his fly. I caught his wrist. "What are you doing?""Proving a point.""Not in the middle of the store, you're not.""Ain't nobody here," the cashier reminded me. "And ain't no way he's filling that thing out.”

“—but they’re minor-level functionaries. They can’t do that kind of shit. And a demon can’t possess another demon—or a half, for that matter. So two plus two, okay? His other half ain’t Ahhazu, it’s incubus. And there’s only one half human, half incubus ever been recorded—” “Maybe Pritkin’s birth wasn’t recorded.” “Bullshit. You know damn well who we got—” “Don’t say it.” “—next door, and John Pritkin ain’t his—” “I’m warning you.” “—name. It’s motherfucking Mer—” “Say it and spend the rest of your life in the Jurassic,” I hissed.”

“Why is your hair green?” “It’s a fashion statement.” “It’s hideous. And even if it weren’t . . . tinted . . . or whatever you did to it, it still wouldn’t do. We haven’t had a blond Pythia before; it’s simply not what people expect to see. And, frankly, it doesn’t suit you.” “It’s my natural color!” “Then it’s naturally hideous. And this”—he tugged at my curls—“will have to go.” “If you touch me one more time—” I said softly. “I’ll make you an appointment with a hairdresser who understands that we need suave. We need sophisticated. We need—well, someone else, obviously, but—”

“I didn't eat.""What difference does that make?""I'm not like you. I can't recharge by feeding off someone. I need food.""I know that! When was the last time you ate?""Yesterday.""Yester--why the hell didn't you eat?""We had to go buy condoms, remember?""And you couldn't grab a sandwich on the way out?" he said hysterically. "I'm gonna die because you couldn't grab a sandwich?”

“You decent?” I pulled the towel up a little higher. “Yes, if my wrinkled toes don’t offend.” Marco’s swarthy head popped around the doorjamb. “Naw, they’re cute.”