“Every author these days is an award-winning novelist. Why? Because they set up an award contest and they dub themselves the winner.”

“I'm not the guy who wins awards and gets mentioned in magazines.”

“For me, it’s not about winning an award. It’s also about not even being nominated.”

“I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria.”

“I look to a time when brotherhood needs no publicity; to a time when a brotherhood award would be as ridiculous as an award for getting up each morning.”

“There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for success to come to you. Sometimes you just have to create it out of nothingness. Just ask the Federal Reserve.”