“Now you know how I justify my addictions—if I can pay less for it than I would at Wal-Mart, I get to have it.”

“Jeff: You know, you don't have to do this.Walter: Yeah, I could get a real job.Jeff: What would you do?Walter: I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart.Walter: What the hell's so funny?Jeff: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?Walter: Oh.Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your shit and get out!Walter: Have a nice day!”

“I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and press play as people try to leave.”

“When a state trooper passes me on the highway, I grit my teeth, check my speed, and hope nobody put a dead guy in the trunk while I was in Wal-Mart last night at two a.m.”

“Write to me your most perfect epitaph, or I shall compare a poet to a lecturer. Thou art more Spartan than a ballad monger who makes his living as a Wal-Mart greeter;”

“Adam didn't approve of Wal-Mart.”