“Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.”

“Who is this man I’m supposed to interview, this man whose last name is the same as the color of my sweatpants? Is that a sign?”

“If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.”

“So I've started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don't need Santa seeing me in my underwear.”

“You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.”

“I feel naked in my Tommy hoodie and Victoria's Secret sweatpants with PINK written across the ass. The sweatpants aren't pink though - they're gray. This always confuses me when I put them on, because shouldn't they say GRAY - on the backside? Maybe Victoria's secret is she's colorblind.”