“Without missing a beat he said, “This year, Santa, I’d like a pony and an Easy-Bake Oven.”Raja grunted and pushed him off to the side. “You’ll be getting coal in a place where it hurts if you ever attempt to sit in my lap again.”

“How did Terrible Teddy’s face get like that?”“Me.”“You hit him?”“He touched you, you said it hurt. I found him and beat the shit out of him.”Oh… my… God.”

“Best of all are the decorations the grandchildren have made ~ fat little stars and rather crooked Santas, shaped out of dough and baked in the oven.”

“You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place, I told him, like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you'll never be this way ever again.”

“Fire is no laughing matter. In a drunken attempt to appear womanly, my neighbor tried to burn her pubes off when she was fifteen, but it hurt too much to get it completely smooth. My friend had sex with her two years later and said her clit looked like a chestnut. I’ve been pro-bush ever since. ”

“I told him I didn't want to have sex until I got married. Without missing a beat, he nodded and said, "So let's get married.”