“Dearest Penelope,I am a giant jerk. I don't mean to imply that I am abnormally sized human who happens to also be a jerk, but, instead, that I am a normal-sized human who happens to sometimes be an extra-large jerk. When you buy me an ugly holiday sweater next Christmas, it needn't be an extra-large man's sweater, but it should probably feature some much-despised...figure that will serve to indicate to the world the immense degree of my jerkiness. What I'm really saying is...I've thought more about it, and I'd like to be of help to you in your quest so that come Christmas you can just find me a basic ugly holiday sweater that has no other object but to be a basic ugly holiday sweater, and I can wear it the next time we beat God and the devil alike at trash can bowling.Yours,Flynt”

“I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it ”

“They're normal. He's wearing a sweater and a polo and she's got on a blouse. The people who wore sweaters and blouses were the ones you wanted at the orphanage. I always wanted a sweater and a blouse. But they all knew who I was. No one wants that kid. God knows what's already been done to that kid or what they’ll do to the kids already in your house.”

“I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year. And thus I drift along into the holidays - let them overtake me unexpectedly - waking up some find morning and suddenly saying to myself: 'Why, this is Christmas Day!”

“If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?”

“and I spilled gravy on my Carolina sweater, because I am alive,”