“When you've been around as long as me, Lucy, you'll know that there are three types of sex... One - brand-new, kitchen-table sex. Two - bedroom sex. Then number three - hallway sex, when you pass each other in the hallway and say 'Fuck you.'" - Lockie”

“I blame Mother Nature two-faced bitch and Father Time bloody bastard .Yep those misogynistic killjoys have cut off my pocket money and left me grounded.With those two authoritarian heavyweights ganging up what chance does a woman have I aks you”

“If he wants breakfast in bed, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.”

“Love is like a tide. When it's in, everything looks beautiful and inviting. Only when love recedes can you see the debris beneath the surface - the old bottles, the rusty prams, the sewage pipes, the bloated cats and dogs weighted down to drown. The man I had once loved so passionately I now saw as weak, gutted like a fish.”

“People who say that money can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.”

“Show me a woman with both feet planted firmly on the ground - and I'll show you a girl who can't get her knickers off.”

“I told myself that it took forty-two facial muscles to frown and only four to stretch out my arm and bitch-slap the witch.”