“I haven't gotten better. I'm not even close to okay. The only thing I've done is to decide to get better. But I think that may just be enough. I'm trying to see the magic in everyday miracles now: the fact that my heart still beats, that I can lift my feet off of the earth to walk and that there is something in me worthy of love. I know that bad things still happen. And sometimes I still ask myself why I am alive; but now, when I ask, I have an answer.”
In this profound reflection by Katja Millay, the speaker articulates a personal struggle with mental health and the journey toward healing. The quote captures the complexity of recovery, acknowledging the challenges while also highlighting small victories and shifts in perspective.
The phrase “I haven't gotten better. I'm not even close to okay.” conveys a raw honesty about the state of the speaker’s mental health. It suggests that healing is not a linear process and that simply advertising progress can sometimes feel disingenuous. This admission lays the foundation for the theme of struggle that resonates throughout the quote.
However, the pivot occurs with “The only thing I've done is to decide to get better.” Here, the speaker emphasizes the power of choice. The decision to pursue healing represents a crucial first step, demonstrating that while the external conditions of life may not improve immediately, the internal resolve can set the stage for change. This notion of agency is crucial in mental health journeys; it underscores that taking control of one’s path can be a form of empowerment.
The speaker then shifts focus to “trying to see the magic in everyday miracles.” This illustrates a transformative mindset, as the speaker consciously chooses to embrace gratitude for small things. Acknowledging the heart still beating and the ability to walk reflects a deeper appreciation for life and existence itself, even amidst turmoil. It underscores the concept that even in darkness, there are glimmers of hope and beauty, which can serve as anchors during tough times.
Furthermore, the statement “there is something in me worthy of love” reveals a critical moment of self-acceptance. It speaks to the often-overlooked reality that self-worth is not dependent on one’s situation or perceived shortcomings. This acknowledgment is a significant step toward healing, as it fosters resilience and encourages the speaker to believe in their intrinsic value.
The final reflections, “I know that bad things still happen. And sometimes I still ask myself why I am alive; but now, when I ask, I have an answer.” bring the quote full circle. The recognition that challenges persist is balanced by newfound clarity and purpose. The word choice suggests that introspective questions about existence, which may have once stemmed from despair, have evolved into inquiries rooted in meaning. The answer implies a deeper understanding of life’s worth, shaped through struggle and personal growth.
In summary, Millay's words encapsulate the multifaceted journey of healing. The quote masterfully explores themes of struggle, agency, gratitude, self-worth, and personal discovery. It serves as a testament to the strength found in vulnerability and the transformative power of perspective in the face of adversity.
“I’m trying to see the magic in everyday miracles now: the fact that my heart still beats, that I can lift my feet off of the earth to walk and that there is something in me worthy of love.”
“I am pressed so hard against the earth by the weight of reality that some days I wonder how I am still able to lift my feet to walk.”
“Not my fault that you’re distractingly pretty.”I have to take a minute to confirm to the pissed off part of my brain that still works that, yes, in fact, I did just say that. And I don’t know if distractingly is even a word. If it is, it’s a stupid one. Like me.”
“And as much as I'm telling her to stay here, I still want her to choose to come with me. To say fuck sanity and healing and closure. To say that I am the only thing she needs to be well and whole and alive. But we both know that's not true.”
“I feel like grabbing my crotch and checking to see if my balls are still there because I think they may be in her pocket and I need to get them back.”
“Seeing Josh is my homecoming. I didn't tell him I was coming back. He doesn't say anything when he sees me, and neither do I, because the fact that I'm here is an answer. We just look at each other and speak in the silence like we always have and no one interrupts the conversation.”