“And you pretend to be stupid, which is completely disingenuous. Big word, but I know you know what it means.”

“Did you know that ninety-eight percent of statistics are made up on the spot?”

“Wow, you mean Tiffany’s an evil wench? I’m shocked. Shocked, I tell you!” I patted my heart in faux surprise.”

“You know where you can shove your joke. Just get me a new drink and try not to include and of your STD-laced body fluid in it this time.”

“Pass me the Academy Award. I don’t know how I did it, but hysterical-girl tears sprung from my eyes as I ran out of the room and down the grand staircase.”

“Perry would disown me for wearing a Yankees sweatshirt, but he would never know, and I was too cold to care about team loyalty.”

“You can date every girl in town as far as I’m concerned. I hate you. I pray every night that you’ll fall victim to some strange and unusual castration accident.”