“Wow, you mean Tiffany’s an evil wench? I’m shocked. Shocked, I tell you!” I patted my heart in faux surprise.”

“Tiffany’s pale faced turned to green and I involuntarily took a step back, half expecting an Exorcist-style stream of vomit to shoot out of her gaping mouth.”

“But if they stripped all those labels off, people might be shocked to find a normal girl beneath. Who doesn’t want to spend her days on the defensive. Who wants what everyone else wants. To be loved.”

“You can date every girl in town as far as I’m concerned. I hate you. I pray every night that you’ll fall victim to some strange and unusual castration accident.”

“And you pretend to be stupid, which is completely disingenuous. Big word, but I know you know what it means.”

“Please, someone tell me I wouldn‘t be that annoying if I had girlfriends.”

“You’re the most important person in the world tome.” I quickly added in a hushed voice, “Don’t tell Mom. She’ll be jealous.”