“Sorry, Maggie, but I'm not into bondage. Even the subconscious kind.”

“Around here news travels faster than mono, and by the end of the day, the whole school had heard about Todd's and my standoff with Principal Miller and Maggie Klein. By the time the story circulated and came back around to me, I had apparently bitch-slapped Maggie Klein and then tongued Todd in front of Principal Miller.Oh, and Mom was a former showgirl in an all-gay revue.”

“Now, I want you to look at each other. Really look. And then I'd like you to each say something positive about the other person." "Now Todd, you go first."Todd eye balled me up and down."She appears to have all her teeth"."OOh, good one,Todd," I cooed,then turned to maggie and smiled sweetly. " And Todd smells very little like a pile of goat crap.”

“I'm telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.''I would,' I said, 'but unfortunately, there are no gorgeous, all-powerful, all-knowing gods around here. I'd even settle for a demigod. It's a step down, I know. But alas, there are nothing but low-brained mortals here. And half-brains, like you.”

“I'm serious, Mar, I don't know how to act around him now. I can't be nice, because he'll hate that. But I can't be mean just to be nice.""You really need medication.""I'm in a quandary. A Catch-22. I'm screwed.”

“And I’m sorry,” Big Earrings said, “But how is some course going to teach them how marriage works? I’ve been married three times, and I haven’t figured it out yet.” She snorted. “I figured out how to call a lawyer, though.”

“We were in such good moods, we even decided to hit Todd's house for candy. Sam rang the doorbell, and when it opened, this hideous, rubber monster face roared at us. Sam screamed. Todd started laughing and took off the mask. I yelled, "Put it back on! Put it back on! Your hideousness is terrifying!"Todd did a fake yuk-yuk-yuk at my joke. "What are you guys supposed to be? Is it Prom Night Massacre or something?"Sam sighed at Todd's obvious stupidity. "We're zombie princesses, Todd. Can't you tell?" She stuck her arms straight out in front of her and said, "BRAINS! BRAINS!"I patted Sam on the head and said, "Sorry, Sam. You're wasting your time with this one.”