“We were in such good moods, we even decided to hit Todd's house for candy. Sam rang the doorbell, and when it opened, this hideous, rubber monster face roared at us. Sam screamed. Todd started laughing and took off the mask. I yelled, "Put it back on! Put it back on! Your hideousness is terrifying!"Todd did a fake yuk-yuk-yuk at my joke. "What are you guys supposed to be? Is it Prom Night Massacre or something?"Sam sighed at Todd's obvious stupidity. "We're zombie princesses, Todd. Can't you tell?" She stuck her arms straight out in front of her and said, "BRAINS! BRAINS!"I patted Sam on the head and said, "Sorry, Sam. You're wasting your time with this one.”

“Now, I want you to look at each other. Really look. And then I'd like you to each say something positive about the other person." "Now Todd, you go first."Todd eye balled me up and down."She appears to have all her teeth"."OOh, good one,Todd," I cooed,then turned to maggie and smiled sweetly. " And Todd smells very little like a pile of goat crap.”

“Around here news travels faster than mono, and by the end of the day, the whole school had heard about Todd's and my standoff with Principal Miller and Maggie Klein. By the time the story circulated and came back around to me, I had apparently bitch-slapped Maggie Klein and then tongued Todd in front of Principal Miller.Oh, and Mom was a former showgirl in an all-gay revue.”

“I jumped up and "casually" strolled a bit closer. I blinked my eyes in the sun. It couldn't be, could it? But it was.Gabe...."You know, if you're going to stalk someone, you should be less obvious."I wheeled around. It was Todd. He'd snuck up on me.He said, "For starters, try not to standing in the middle of a field, gawking at your prey."I kicked at a dusty clump of grass. "Gawking? I... I'm... not gawking. I was just watching your girlfired putting the moves on someone else. Jealous?""Oh Gabe Webber?" Todd laughed. "Uh...no."I shielded my eyes from the sun. "Why? What's wrong with Gabe Webber?""Nothing. As in, there's nothing there. He has the personality of dry toast."How dare he insult my Gabe? "Oh yes. I forgot. You prefer the company of assholes and jerks. As they say, 'Birds of a feather...'""That must be why you hang around.”

“Amanda doesn't hate you. She's jealous of you.""What? Todd listen. Drugs are bad, buddy. You shouldn't do them first thing in the morning. Wait until after lunch at least.”

“Todd came toward me with the squad trailing behind him like a street gang of angry thugs with breasts.”

“So he likes being mean to you," she said. "And you like that he likes being mean to you.""And I like being mean to him, too, don't forget.""Of course not. Pleasure from meaness. There's a name for it: sadomasochism.""Thanks a lot." I said. "That's just what I need. A mental picture of Todd Harding laced up in a black leather bodysuit with a whip in one hand and his wang in the other.”