“I am a brother to writers everywhere.”

“What makes you think a writer isn't a drug salesman?”

“In the water I am beautiful.”

“All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.”

“She was a fool, and so am I, and so is anyone who thinks he sees what God is Doing, [writes Bokonon].”

“I say in speeches that a plausible mission of artists is to make people appreciate being alive at least a little bit. I am then asked if I know of any artists who pulled that off. I reply, 'The Beatles did'.”

“My advice to writers just starting out? Don't use semi-colons! They are transvestite hermaphrodites, representing exactly nothing. All they do is suggest you might have gone to college.”