“The worst thing that could possibly happen to anybody would be to not be used for anything by anybody. Thank you for using me, even though I didn't want to be used by anybody.”

“If somebody says 'I love you' to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol holder requires? 'I love you, too'.”

“All people are insane. They will do anything at any time, and God help anybody who looks for reasons.”

“I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.”

“We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.”

“I think Willim Shakespeare was the wisest human being I ever heard of. To be perfectly frank though, that's not saying much. We are impossibly conceited animals, and actually dumb as heck. Ask any teacher. You don't even have to ask a teacher. Ask anybody. Dogs and cats are smarter than we are.”

“Listen: We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different!”