“I’ve learned how to take out my own stitches: all you need is a pair of fingernail clippers & a strong stomach.”

“Got my shit together” Definition: I’ve learned how to play it cool. I’ve got some ideas worked out.”

“People need to learn how to take the role of leader out of God's hands.”

“I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone could just combine those two, I’d be very eager to clip my nails from across the room.”

“I need to go to the grocery store because I’ve got nothing in my fridge but an old t-shirt, a pair of jeans, and a sweater (after all, it does get cold in the fridge).”

“A lot of people came up to me that night and asked, ‘How come you and Sharon have stayed together all this time?’ My answer was the same then as it is now: I’ve never stopped telling my wife that I love her; I’ve never stopped taking her out for dinner; I’ve never stopped surprising her with little gifts.”