“I blame it on Twilight. In real life, vampires only sparkle when they're on fire.”

“[W]hen all else fails, kill it with fire.”

“You know that ‘no weapons at work’ policy?” I asked the twitching and growing hairy monstrosity standing less than ten feet from me. His yellow eyes bored into me with raw animal hatred. There was nothing recognizably human in that look.“I never did like that rule,” I said as I bent down and drew my gun from my ankle holster, put the front sight on the target and rapidly fired all five shots from my snub-nosed .357 Smith & Wesson into Mr. Huffman’s body. God bless Texas.”

“Nikolai's a badass Russian. Badass Russians only have three emotions: revenge, depression, and vodka.”

“Fish and Wildlife wants to fine us for killing a giant mutant Tennessee River catfish because it was endangered. Sure it had just crawled up on land and eaten some teenagers, but it was still an endangered species.”

“I'm not in the redemption business”

“There are three kinds of people in the world: people who can't believe anything, suckers who believe everything, and a few of us who can face the truth.”