“I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts.”

“Anything under size five isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts.”

“being physically intimidating didn't keep you from getting your feelings hurt. Everyone's heart is the same size.”

“Anyone who tells you size doesn't matter has been seeing too many small knives.”

“A little boy who's discovered the monster under the bed is actually real, and it's screwing Mommy.”

“If you keep a gun in your purse, you get killed, because no woman can find anything in her purse in under twelve minutes. It's a rule.”

“Most women complain that there are no single, straight men left. I’d just like to meet one who’s human.”