“Obviously I cannot”

“But when I look at him, his face is surprised, like it should be obvious. "Now," he says, "we figure it out together.”

“So what now?" I ask when I finally pull away. I bury my head in his shoulder, not sure I want to know the answer.But when I look at him, his face is surprised, like it should be obvious. "Now," he says. "We figure it out together.”

“But we're not sleeping," he points out."well, I would be," I say, "if you would let me off the phone." Which is obviously a lie."Fine," he says."Fine," I say."Wait!""What now?!""Court?"I don't say anything."Are you there?""Yes, I'm here," I say, "What is it?""I love you." And then he hangs up the phone.”

“I kind of like that she gave me a little bit of attitude. I mean, she's obviously super apologetic and she knows it's a horrible situation, and she's definitely nervous I might flip the fuck out on her, but she doesn't seem embarrassed. It's more like she thinks shit happens, and I should deal with it. I can respect that.”

“It's definitely broken," my mom says [...]"Maybe it's unplugged or something," [...]"Honey, it's broken," my mom says. She sounds like she's trying to break it to me gently. I can't really blame her. The other day she told me there was no more vanilla ice cream, and I burst into tears right in the middle of the kitchen. She obviously knows I'm fragile.”

“Last year I kissed this freshman girl at a pool party and she wouldn’t get off my nuts for six months. Which is why my policy is now no psychotics, and no freshmen. The freshmen thing is obviously easy to avoid, while the psychotics pose a bit more of a problem. It’s not like girls walk around with “I’m crazy” stamped on their chests.”