“A true friend is someone who never gets tired listening to your pointless drama over and over again.”

“Someone once told her there’s a formula for how long it takes to get over someone, that it’s half as long as the time you’ve been together.But I couldn’t see it again, and it occurred to me that the voracious ambition of humans is never sated by dreams coming true, because there is always the thought that everything might be done better and again.”

“There are none so deaf as those listening to ‘All by Myself’ over and over and over again.”

“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you. They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”

“To me, a good friend is one who doesn't talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who wiretaps your phone lines. I consider myself a good friend.”

“A religious war is like killing someone over who has the better imaginary friend.”