“I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.”

“My idea of vacuuming is borrowing someone's dog for the day and having them eat all the crap off the floor.”

“If you want nice, baby, play with your fucking dog. When you're ready to play with a man, then call me. (Zarek)”

“Here's a taxidermist's," Bill said. "Want to buy anything? Nice stuffed dog?" "Come on," I said. "You're pie-eyed.""Pretty nice stuffed dogs," Bill said. "Certainly brighten up your flat.""Come on." "Just one stuffed dog. I can take 'em or leave 'em alone. But listen, Jake. Just one stuffed dog.""Come on.""Mean everything in the world to you after you bought it. Simple exchange of values. You give them money. They give you a stuffed dog.""We'll get one on the way back.""All right. Have it your own way. Road to hell paved with unbought stuffed dogs. Not my fault.”

“In my opinion, the very fact that Mark doesn't know this diagnostic criterion suggests that he's a lot closer to actual retardation than I am.”

“I try to be nice, I try to respect other people, but over the years I've learned that all this stuff we do is a bunch of crap. That doesn't mean it doesn't have its place. We are living in a material world, so why not live with something beautiful?”