“An unprovoked head butt is like bringing a sawed-off shotgun to a knife fight.”

“If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun.”

“Never bring a knife to a gun fight," I tell Mr. Crispy as I turn away from him. His right arm thinks about it for a moment, then falls off.”

“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.”

“I saw Diana shake her head, “Jonathon, we’re here for you. Stop being a butt head.”We all started laughing. I was bent over at the waist with tears running out of my eyes.Mason said, “Did you seriously just say ‘butt head’?”Diana blushed, “Well, he was being a butt head.”

“After my daughter was born, I’d considered buying a shotgun to ward off potential suitors fourteen or so years up the road. Now, as I listened to these girls babble and imagined Gabby one day talking with the same banality and ignorance of the English language, I thought of buying the same shotgun to blow my own fucking head off.”