“The next time some desperate parents beg me to take care of their children," I raged, sawing at my slice of chicken breast, "I will ask them for a full accounting of all the boxes of cereal in their pantry. And if they don't have at least three types of sugary cereal, then I will say no. No, I will not babysit for your whiny children in your cereal-deprived sham of a household.”

“Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and all. But my father and I have the sort of loving relationship in which, whenever he says more than one sentence in a a row to me, I want to stab myself in the heart with a a recently formed silver knife.”

“Don't take this as a compliment, but you actually don't smell that bad."Dan let out a burst of surprised laughter. "What did you expect me to smell like?""Well..." I wrinkled my nose. "I heard you guys soak your uniforms in urine.""So you assumed I'd smell like pee.""Yes," I said. "But you don't," I added kindly.”

“Fiona says that I have trouble moving on. That I cling to the past...I knew that I would miss it. I'd miss the way my life used to be when I worked there. I always miss the way my life used to be, and the best way to prevent that is to not change my life very much.”

“What can I say, I have a thing for guys in period dress, okay? That's just who I am.”

“United we stand, divided we fallJust watch us as we beat ya’ll.You say ‘brother against brother’?Well, my brother screwed your motherAnd she liked it!We’ll kick your shins and break your knee’Cause all you got is Robert E. Lee.Farbs!”

“What do you mean, 'what happened to my Redcoat boy'?" Fiona asked, swirling her spoon around her dish."I mean, where did he go?""He went..." Fiona gazed off into the distance and shook her head slightly." He went the way of all things.""You mean he died?"Her focus snapped back to me. "No.""Well, you made it sound like he died.""I just meant that he went wherever it is that boys go when they go." She waved a hand. "Into the ether. Into the great beyond.""It's still sounding like he died. Did you at least get his number?”